Yesterday I spent most of the day in hospital again. Big test day. Same old deal, I walk in, get mobbed by nurses to stick a drip in my arm, then endless waiting and minutely examining the inside of the scanners. Well, after a while, the inside of one barrel starts to look like another...and who was the ass who designed their trolleys, man, so uncomfortable, I swear they're like 30 cm wide so the entire time in the machine you are trying to not fall off! At least it gives you something to do.
Anyway, the point of the scans was to see how effective the chemo was, which I find out in a few days at the oncologist. I can't bring myself to have a sneak look, I think I'd rather not know. Why spoil a perfectly good day? I'll write in a few days with "the verdict"
To pass the time, I thought I would bring you up to date on what having chemo was actually like. Let's just say, it got worse as time went on. You all know I have a master's degree in exaggeration, I'll bite my tongue and refrain from that hype, but I am going to execute my PhD in whining to the full, so be warned! And I also suggest if you are going to read on, don't be eating...
Bleeding
This was unexpected, as in I wasn't aware it would be an issue beforehand. For 3 months I blow my nose to a blast of blood. I wake from sleep not able to breathe because my nose is full of dried blood clots, sometimes I've bled on the pillow as well. So I try to gently pick the clots from my nose, so I can breathe again, which makes a mess, I have to get up and wash. This happens several times a night. With practice, I managed to get this done within a few minutes and able to get back to sleep before I miss the circadian window. I know, it sounds so ...trivial... but turns out its a major quality of life factor. So dummy, why don't you just mouth breathe? Because I cant, feels like I'm suffocating!
Fatigue
I am lucky exercise sessions were Tuesday and Thursday. Tuesday I was at my best because it was 6 days after chemo and Thursday was the day after chemo, so the side effects hadnt kicked in yet. Friday and the weekends were quite different. I could barely move. I just wanted to lie down all day. I could push myself if needed, but it took it out of me. Sometimes just walking to the toilet had me puffing for breath and my heart pounding my chest wall. It was erratic. Sometimes I get a burst of energy, sometimes I couldnt even lift my arm to grab the remote to change channels on the tv. Its hard to convey how disabling it was, just a pervasive couldn't be bothered with anything...
Fortunately by Sunday afternoons I was beginning to perk up again. The shortness of breath and palpitations freaked me out that it was my heart causing it, I tried to test if they were activity related or not, but the symptoms were too inconsistent to be sure, so I discussed it with the oncologist and we ended up doing a chest CT (which was fine of course) Nevertheless, I sleep with the keys in the front door, in case I need to call the ambulance, so they can let themselves in. Over-reacting much?
Bowels
I was warned I would get constipated, and oh boy, 3 days after chemo, when I could finally shit, and I passed a brick which ripped my ass on the way out, judging by the sudden pain and blood everywhere...then it hurt for days whenever I tried, just beginning to settle when I had my next dose and the cycle started again. So, clever me, decided to try a stool softener. Ha, still shit a shotput, then followed by days of diarrhea, occasionally unannounced (because who knows what I had done to the nerves in my ass) and yes, occasional soiling. Great. Decided the remedy was worse than the condition. Oh my poor ass. I will never snigger at old people discussing their bowels again.
Taste
In the interests of science, I did a study of random foods. Here are the results:
water - faint saltiness, like my gums are bleeding, except they aren't
coffee - chalky dishwater
mango - chalky, somehow with both a tinge of salt and a hint of sweet
chocolate - chalky mush, hint of salt again like my gums are bleeding
spoonful of honey - texture remains what I expect, but tastes like the mango, chalk with a hint of both salt and sweet
feta cheese with balsamic vinegar dressing - chalk with cardboard
beef and onion stew - the onion tastes like unflavored jelly, the meat like paper mâché with a slight salt aftertaste
greek salad with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, olive, feta, oregano, olive oil & vinegar - very subdued, but a hint of the base flavours. Edible! (just)
Yeah, I guess you can draw your own conclusions. Is anyone surprised I have lost a full one quarter of my body weight? Not my recommended weight loss regime
Others
I put these here because they didn't really affect my quality of life
Hair loss
Yeah, I guess the one everyone expects. I lost most of the hair on my head, chest, legs. But what freaked me the most was losing all the pubic hair. Its not my thing. Oh, and I lost my beard /stubble, I only shave once a week instead of 2nd daily. Yippee. And showers are a lot shorter! The downside is that I think due to the slow growth I am getting hairs trapped in skin, so little pimples all over my scalp. Lets see how that goes...
Nerve pain.
Every now and again, I get a sharp stab down my arm or leg. Usually when I am sitting still. It leaves a residual ache, lasts about 5 minutes. Doesn't happen often but its quite disconcerting.
Fluid retention & others
swollen legs, dry skin, sore nails- par for the course
OK, I wrote all this down so you can experience it vicariously. Hopefully no one reading will need chemo!
The saddest thing is, I know this is minor shit. I am going to look back at these symptoms and consider them the "good old days" Maybe its just buttering me up for what I have to face. I imagine that sometime in the future when I am furiously pressing my morphine pump to try get just a little bit of pain relief, and after spewing for the hundredth time that day, anything tasting like chalk will seem a godsend...
