It troubles me to write that I've lost 6kg over the last 6 weeks. That trajectory isn't great...I mean my pants are falling off. I'm going to run out of belt notches soon. I don't bend over in public, in case of plumber's crack, and worse, I am forever hitching my pants up at the shops because I am mortified they are simply going to slide off down to my ankles. Hooray for elastic banded tracksuit pants (but I aint going to the shops looking like a bogun, sorry but no) This simply can't continue!
Hand in hand with the weight loss is fatigue. I can barely do anything. Just today, at the supermarket, after a few aisles, all I wanted to do was have a little lie down in the sauce aisle. Like a hobo. It was only my fear of being arrested that kept me going till I got to the dairy section...
So, on Tuesday I had my usual oncology review, followed by my infusion. We had a discussion about what we could do to put the brakes on. I suggested a lethal injection, she wasn't having a bar of that, instead offered something a wee bit more practical - Creon (pancreatic enzymes)
(Mind you, why no one had suggested that before, given that half my pancreas is tumour and the other half wasted away and non functional, and I was obviously showing symptoms of malnutrition, albumin 28, hemoglobin 98 (yep, both quite bad) Anyway I decided not to point this out, better to move along)
I wanted to wait a few days before writing to see if the Creon helps, it's hard to tell. Maybe?
The issue is complicated because of lack of appetite, like I can't recall feeling hungry for weeks and weeks. I'm just not interested. And many things I can't go near anymore. Like meat or chicken or continental cheeses. (So much for protein huh?) I can occasionally manage plastic cheese on a cracker, and feel proud of myself for doing so. Hilarious. Oh, and chocolate, and biscuits. Can you believe, I have a bar of Old Gold in the cupboard, that's been there for weeks. It's a travesty. Same with chocolate ripple biscuits, untouched for weeks, I can't even dunk them in the Sustagen...
Then there's the nausea, which strikes with surgical precision. Like when I smell food, or try to cook, or think about eating (hence I tend to buy pre-prepared meals, or go to mum's for lunch) It doesn't last long, maybe 30 seconds, but enough to do the damage. And too brief to use medication.
I am going to make a dietician appointment this week, that seems like a good idea. I've had a few suggestions, such as tofu, peanut butter, that sort of thing. I seem to be able to manage stir fries and rice so the tofu seems reasonable. I just forgot to buy it this morning (moron) but I didn't forget the peanut butter. I put a bit on a spoon to see if I could tolerate it, and I could, so then I burst into tears because I could finally have some edible protein. How flipping ridiculous is that?
So this is how life is for me at the moment. I can feel myself slipping and I don't know if I can pause this or.....it's just miserable.
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| Spring Ranunculi |
Ummm...If anyone wants to send me a recipe to try, maybe text me rather than adding as a comment to this blog, please.