July 10 - reprieve?

I spent yesterday crying

Tears of relief 

Finally, something going my way

The criteria to continue this treatment was that there was required to be less than 20% growth in the target lesions. This is after only 2 treatments mind you

Here are the measurements from my scan 

 Target Lesion                                     Current (mm)                 14/05/2025 (mm)
 1. Pancreatic head                             26 x 24 x  24                        45 x 33 x 37
 2. Coeliac axis node                          25 x 21                                 29 x 21
 3. Precaval node                                27 x 17                                 27 x 17
 4. Superior segment 8 liver metastasis 23 x 17 x 20                     23 x 17 x 20
 5. Segment 7 liver metastasis             26 x 20 x 21                       26 x 22 x 21

Some have shrunk, others stable. Structure wise, they look like they're degenerating even if they haven't shrunk (according to the report)

I honestly don't know how to react, its left me a bit numb. I pinch myself. Is it real? Yesterday during my infusion I kept tearing up. Good tears. 

If all goes well, this is a 2 year trial. 

I suppose I better start looking after myself a bit better. It's hard to describe the sense of relief. Before I was just sitting around waiting to die, like what was the point? Of anything? I couldn't be bothered...

I've been handed a reprieve, maybe short, maybe not. How's I get off my fat ass and start to live again? 

Address all the issues I put on hold because...why bother? Oddly, I find myself looking forward to Christmas this year... 

July 7 - scan day

Today I'm having a scan to see if there has been any response to treatment. I find out in two days. I put this up because I am fascinated how specific this scan request is. Makes sense of course given I'm on a drug trial. I might ask what criteria they use to determine which are target lesions, out of curiosity.

I have avoided looking at the forms until today, it's pretty scary looking shit, I think would prefer not to know.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say today. I'm heading off to hospital... 

July 02 - JINXED

Well, now I've done it

I did what we all know not to do, but do anyway. I opened my mouth. A cautionary tale

Here's how it went. 

Yesterday morning I had a cardiology appointment. "How's it going?" he asks. "I feel really good" I reply, "last few weeks the best I've felt in ages." (Apart from the nausea, but that's a given) 

He wanted me to do some bloods, so I dropped into the cancer centre office to adjust my time for the next day's assessment, so I could do both sets in one hit. It just so happened my trial coordinator walked by. "How's it going?" she asks. Same reply. "I feel really good. Those pains I was getting have completely disappeared. Been pain free for a good month. Maybe the treatment is working..."

Of course they needed an updated referral, having lost the one I had just given them, so I popped into the GP for a reprint. As I was leaving the clinic, I ran into my GP outside. "How's it going?" he asks. "I haven't felt so good for ages" I reply. We both beam big smiles.

We know what comes next don't we?

Well I swear, not 2 hours later, I start aching all round my right ribcage. I hoped it was just from coughing, but no, it stayed, all day and all night. And all day today. Just a dull toothache type pain, mild but persistent. Well, I wonder what that might be? My tumours giving me the finger...what else would it be in that location? Am I catastrophising? Is it just my histrionics? We''ll see 

It's funny, I have observed, if you have pain, and it goes away, then it comes back, it always feels worse the second time, even if it really isn't. As if the nerves desensitize and then get overstimulated. (I noticed that with the rheumatoid joint pains as well)

My review scan is next week, so I'll know for sure then. How dare I hope!

"So, you gonna get cocky are you? Here, I'll teach you...Take that sucker! Fuck.You"