Sep 28, Reflections

Grand Final Day. Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the first symptoms that set me on the path I am now traveling. It's also my chemo free week for this round, and I wish to share some thoughts, perhaps some are unpalatable, but dear reader, take my hand and walk with me...

1. Anger

I should be angry that it took so long to establish a diagnosis. So many contradictory scans, negative biopsies, inconclusive blood tests. Nothing can deny that they missed it, until it was flipping obvious and way too late. I should be angry, but weirdly I'm not. What's the point? Do I have a time machine? Can I change anything? No. It will do nothing but make me feel worse, release stress hormones and accelerate the tumour. So I have let it go. I have other emotions, fear of the unknown, fear of pain, loss of independence, loss of dignity, fear of morphing into a hollow husk of a human being...these are my demons now.

 

2. Group

Which leads me to the wellness center. Initially I joined because it was recommended to do an exercise program, plus it was paid for by the health insurance. Included was a compulsory lecture each time, on topics like sleep, intimacy, mindfulness etc. These turned out to be pretty informal, and actually tend to morph into a group support session, where we discuss our experiences, coping methods, practical skills related to the topic at hand, and so on. I have never had therapy before, and its been quite a revelation. I have my own skill set and have been able to make some contributions, but also learning from other people's experiences has been incredibly helpful. I am really glad I took up this course, it has made my perspective a lot less bleak, and helped with acceptance.

Probably the one and only selfie I will ever take, against the backdrop of my gorgeous Japanese Maple tree. As you can see, I have lost what remained of my hair, including stubble, I haven't shaved for a week!

3. Endings

I have a dilemma. The Church. Culture and religion are one, inseparable. Once buried, we usually have a tombstone and a raised memorial above the grave. There are specific blessings by the priest (Trisagion) done day 9, day 40, 3 monthly for the first year then yearly. We keep lit candles (or a lantern) at the grave and burn incense with a special type of burner (it smells divine, I love it) during these ceremonies and also when visiting the grave. These items are usually incorporated onto the memorial. I know this type of traditional burial plot and the ability to perform the rites would give a lot of comfort to the family. Problem is, I am not sure that I really want all that. Springvale offers burial plots which are simple plaques grouped around a tree, in a garden setting, which is much more me, but I don't think they can do the rites that way. So I am torn. But so far this is nothing more than just mulling over my options.

Of course no one wants to discuss it. "Don't talk like that" "Now is not the time" Well, when will the time be? 

I think its best if I make my own arrangements for...later... I plan to go out to Springvale soon and have a chat with them. Do my research LOL. Hopefully I won't procrastinate so much that its too late.