Aug 19 - reality check

Kniphofia, aka Red Hot Poker, tough South African native so does well in our climate. Have a wild guess what I'd like to shove a red hot poker up...

Today I cried again. I managed to restrain myself in the oncologist's office, but I kept having brief moments up in the infusion centre. (Under control though, I turned away so the nurses couldn't see while they attended other patients, and had wiped myself dry by the time they got to me) 

So, what prompted all this?

Let's go through the facts:

Yesterday's scan showed little change. The primary maybe a little smaller but the secondaries either the same or marginally bigger. Overall a 9% rise in tumor measurements, compared to a 14% fall last scan (so technically I am still ahead you big baby) But my blood tests are all worse, more anemic, liver markers in the hundreds and so on

Of most concern is losing 4 kg over the last 3 weeks due to loss of appetite. Here's a new definition of see-food diet: you see food, and walk away... And the fatigue. And the nausea. And the fevers. And the pains. And the drama queen basking in her moment of glory...

Now I was hoping it was those fuckers just releasing toxins as they fight the chemo, or side effects of the chemo itself, but the oncologist felt it was more likely neurobiochemical changes induced by the cancers, especially appetite loss and "cancer fever" What they call "burden of disease" A much kinder way of saying it than "you're losing the battle" which is what it means. So, I stepped on the landmine I placed in front of my oncologist, and we discussed my future. 

The devastation of Mordor. 

Chances are, I'll hit a clinical "tipping point" in 3-6 months. Chances are, by the time this treatment is abandoned, I'll be too unwell for further trials. At which point I will be looking at palliative care, eventually hospice, maybe by early next year. She looked so sad, telling me this, face downcast, voice lowered, hands clasped in her lap. And what did I notice? Oh look, I have the same carved clay scroll statue of the Hippocratic Oath that you have on your shelf...

So, quite confronting, and my rationalisation for all the waterworks 

I am such a fuckwit. I mean what did I expect? That there was ever going to be any other way this would go. Time to come away from la la land and just get on with it. Step by step, day by day. Grow a set. Push back a little. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.