Mar 17 - the things we do

This is a hard topic to write about, I thought long and hard about whether I should do it, but I want to write about intimacy. In my context, my vulnerability.
Some of you may know, I'm single, have been for most of this century. In fact, haven't even been close to another human being for all that time.
Social anxiety sucks.

So, this weekend, I did something perhaps inevitable. The mysterious universe leading to this point. I somehow got the courage to hire an escort.
Before you say anything, walk with me, think with me...
1) I'm dying, chances are this time next year I'll be making compost. What am I going to do, go on dates? "Hi, my name's Jim, I'll be dead soon, would you like to dance?" I can see that line working beautifully.
2) I'm still human - I have feelings and desires. I bleed. I cry. I yearn. Isn't feeling loved a fundamental human need?
3) I'm scared. Shit scared. Of what's coming.
4) Not to mention the eternal loneliness.
What would you do?

Interestingly enough, I've worked with many escorts professionally, from the other side of the fence, giving advice, testing etc. Students. They were all lovely people. 

The person I invited to my home was no exception. A kind soul, understanding, thoughtful, gentle, perceptive. Certainly no airhead, didn't miss much. Calmed my skittishnesss with professional ease. Someone who would have made a wonderful friend had that been possible. Maybe the universe finally decided to give me a break?

It was so incredibly nice to be held in a warm embrace, hearts beating, gentle kisses, bodies entwined.
It felt so comforting to feel wanted, to feel close, to feel loved. I shut my eyes and let myself feel. Just for the moment, no pain, no fear, just love. The romance novels all talk about time and space ceasing to exist and reality condensing down to just 2 people in a bubble. It really was like that.
In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't actually real, but it felt real. It was enough. Enough that I can face the future feeling a bit more whole, and with a bit more courage. Thank you.
The biggest surprise from all this, sex turned out to be the least important aspect of the whole experience. The power of love indeed.

I know this post is mushy, and will be distasteful to some, but folks, it's my journey, I am who I am, take the good with the bad.

I think those of you who are married, in relationships, who get to experience this all the time, you don't know what you have, how lucky you are. Don't let it go. I got it once in a decade, and I'm amazed...

And yes, I know all I had was an oxytocin surge, which is such a sad way of looking at it, because it felt so damn nice!