Mar 18 - and so it begins

Yesterday I was lying on the sofa, watching a SF movie on TV, and I got a right sided pain in my lower ribs. I initially thought I was lying funny, but I couldn't get it to go away with moving and stretching. Now I've had niggles like this over the last week, but not persistent like this time. It was hard to take a deep breath and I had to walk clutching my side. Took some panadol and went to bed, eventually drifted off but it was uncomfortable. I don't think I tossed and turned as much as usual.

This morning, it's still there. Maybe less intense, but I can feel twinges in my right shoulder as well. And on the left lower ribcage. Still hurts to breathe deeply. 

The penny drops. 

Liver pain. It reminds me of the post-op pain when they took my gallbladder out. It's those damn twin metastases in the liver. Danny (deVito) and Arnold (Schwarzenegger) (from the movie Twins - which I've never seen by the way, I need to look up if it's streaming somewhere) 

Are the twins growing or are they in their death throes? The radiation oncologist did say it would take 6 weeks plus for effects of the radiation, and the time scale is about right, so maybe it's the latter? But, hey, we know what my luck is like...It's more likely the buggers are growing and giving me the finger.

I am amused at the timing. After my last post, it's like the Universe is saying "Oh, so you like nice things? Well, we cant have that! Here, take this!"

My body scan is next week. I guess I will find out. But I am worried it's going to be bad. I think I'm screwed. Maybe I'm just histrionic and catastrophising but you know, sometimes you just have that feeling....

I worry it's the beginning of the downhill slide. I imagine they'll want to do a liver biopsy again (I really don't want that, it was the worst experience - see post Aug 01 2024, liver joins the party)

I worry about needing painkillers. I worry about misery and suffering. It's beginning to be..real

I think the time has come, I obviously don't need it yet, but the time has come to actually read the voluntary assisted dying legislation. 

Re-reading the post, I thought, melodramatic much? But I'm going to leave it as is.